When did you cry? (Author: Kaileen Elise)
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A couple of weeks ago, I went up to my friend Elaine’s house. She is forever having groups of people in her home for gatherings of one kind or another. This was a casual pre-Christmas event where some friends, who are also vendors, were around selling jewelry and candles; and, then there was a lady in the front room – reading Tarot cards! How fun. I hung around and chatted, then it was my turn.
Everyone who had been in the front room had been asked a similar question, “what is your greatest fear?” but for me, Helen told me to take a seat and the cards would tell me. I don’t know if I buy into the whole idea, but I do know there is something to all of the hocus-pocus so the card-turning began! Revealed was an interesting collection of cards, which lead to a lot of good conversation.
Through that conversation it hit me all at once, the enormity of what I had done over the last 18 months. Which lead me to realize how much I had been through over the last 18 years.
I cried.
Big gobs of ugly cry.
It was short and not in the least bit pretty.
Everyone who had been in the front room had been asked a similar question, “what is your greatest fear?” but for me, Helen told me to take a seat and the cards would tell me. I don’t know if I buy into the whole idea, but I do know there is something to all of the hocus-pocus so the card-turning began! Revealed was an interesting collection of cards, which lead to a lot of good conversation.
Through that conversation it hit me all at once, the enormity of what I had done over the last 18 months. Which lead me to realize how much I had been through over the last 18 years.
I cried.
Big gobs of ugly cry.
It was short and not in the least bit pretty.
I had not cried in 15 years – since the autumn of 1997 when it was forbidden. Yes, forbidden. I remember the exact moment, the room I was in, the fear I felt and the lack of options available to me – or so I thought. What a stupid woman I was to surrender my only form of release! To give in to the insecurity and weakness of another! Bah.
I haven’t cried since, but I have recognized a most welcome shift. I don’t avoid the sad programs or the commercials contrived to pull at our heart-strings. Along with the enormous changes tears are now allowed. It never even occurred to me that this was the case or that I had continued to behave in a manor that accommodated the absurd demands of another. My release has been returned. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops!
Who knew tears would be the irrefutable proof that my healing had begun?
I haven’t cried since, but I have recognized a most welcome shift. I don’t avoid the sad programs or the commercials contrived to pull at our heart-strings. Along with the enormous changes tears are now allowed. It never even occurred to me that this was the case or that I had continued to behave in a manor that accommodated the absurd demands of another. My release has been returned. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops!
Who knew tears would be the irrefutable proof that my healing had begun?
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