If you could change one thing that happened this year, what would it be? Why? (Author: Me)
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I’m learning to take things as they come. It has been hard, but I think I’m finally there. It is a wonderful relief, a chance to exhale. With one exception: if I had the opportunity and power I would have had Louis, the father of my children, realize that his children are not divorcing him, I am.
I had a horrible relationship with my mother. She was a brutally unkind woman and I cut all ties to her by the time I was eighteen. I would have rather cut off my right arm than to do that. I know how excruciating it is to be mistreated by a parent. I chose survival over subjugation. I promised myself that my children would never have to deal with the cruel effects of a harsh childhood. So much for my great plans!
When I started my marriage-with-children journey back in 1994, had I ever thought the children part of that equation would have to go through the neglect and abandonment they have suffered this year, if I did, I don’t think I would have had them.
If I could change anything over the past year, I’d have had my children’s father grow up and be the father I know he was capable of when I married him. Certainly not the man he is now. I hear “it’s his loss” or “he’ll regret it in the end” and that may be true. The fact is, in the meantime, my children suffer and that is painful to watch from the sidelines.
In the months between calls, I remind each of my kids that they are loved. Louis loves his children. I know that. He just doesn’t know how to show it. He is so self-involved he has no idea the effect his actions – or lack thereof – has on his kids.
I’m running out of excuses and explanations. He chooses to live in our town to be “close to his kids” and yet refuses to see or call them. I know it is so he appears to others to be a conscientious parent – because that is what people do, right? Stay and fight for their kids. The problem is he only goes half way. He’s here in town but won’t call or see his kids until someone reminds him.
If I could change anything, Louis would call or see his kids because he wants to, not because he has to - but even that would be better for them than his silence.
I had a horrible relationship with my mother. She was a brutally unkind woman and I cut all ties to her by the time I was eighteen. I would have rather cut off my right arm than to do that. I know how excruciating it is to be mistreated by a parent. I chose survival over subjugation. I promised myself that my children would never have to deal with the cruel effects of a harsh childhood. So much for my great plans!
When I started my marriage-with-children journey back in 1994, had I ever thought the children part of that equation would have to go through the neglect and abandonment they have suffered this year, if I did, I don’t think I would have had them.
If I could change anything over the past year, I’d have had my children’s father grow up and be the father I know he was capable of when I married him. Certainly not the man he is now. I hear “it’s his loss” or “he’ll regret it in the end” and that may be true. The fact is, in the meantime, my children suffer and that is painful to watch from the sidelines.
In the months between calls, I remind each of my kids that they are loved. Louis loves his children. I know that. He just doesn’t know how to show it. He is so self-involved he has no idea the effect his actions – or lack thereof – has on his kids.
I’m running out of excuses and explanations. He chooses to live in our town to be “close to his kids” and yet refuses to see or call them. I know it is so he appears to others to be a conscientious parent – because that is what people do, right? Stay and fight for their kids. The problem is he only goes half way. He’s here in town but won’t call or see his kids until someone reminds him.
If I could change anything, Louis would call or see his kids because he wants to, not because he has to - but even that would be better for them than his silence.
SUCH a hard one, and one that I share concern over (re Hope's Dad, not Rob. Rob is an involved Dad.)
ReplyDeleteI grew up in your kiddos position. And my mother was a tough one, alwyas advocating for me, but never making my father out to be the bad guy, until i was old enough to do it myself. in retrospect, how she did that all those years, is a miracle. you are a strong, amazing woman, and raising beautiful, courageous children. be kind to yourself. always remember that. if i could have ever told my mother anything as a child, that is what i would have said. take time and be kind. much love sister.
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