I regret little, but in looking back I am disappointed at my not participating in a reflection project for 2011. That year was so excruciating and painful and joyful and liberating and full that it is very much a blur of change. I should have recorded some part of it - though a peek into my December Daily 2011 will certainly give an indication to why the project did not get completed!

I enjoyed participating in reverb10 which resulted in a beautiful blog, a wonderful keepsake album and a collection of incredible memories - fully recorded. For 2010, I will always remember where I was and where I was planning on going. I want to go through that same exercise again for 2012. This past year was equally worth remembering.

Not that I have an abundance of time this year, but I do have a great desire, so that will have to do! I have curated a number of prompts from many resources. Those I've selected can be found below as well as a few of my own, they have each been attributed as best I can.

19 December 2012

day nineteen | cry

prompt: cry

When did you cry? (Author: Kaileen Elise) 

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A couple of weeks ago, I went up to my friend Elaine’s house. She is forever having groups of people in her home for gatherings of one kind or another. This was a casual pre-Christmas event where some friends, who are also vendors, were around selling jewelry and candles; and, then there was a lady in the front room – reading Tarot cards! How fun. I hung around and chatted, then it was my turn.

Everyone who had been in the front room had been asked a similar question, “what is your greatest fear?” but for me, Helen told me to take a seat and the cards would tell me. I don’t know if I buy into the whole idea, but I do know there is something to all of the hocus-pocus so the card-turning began! Revealed was an interesting collection of cards, which lead to a lot of good conversation.

Through that conversation it hit me all at once, the enormity of what I had done over the last 18 months. Which lead me to realize how much I had been through over the last 18 years.

I cried.

Big gobs of ugly cry.

It was short and not in the least bit pretty. 

I had not cried in 15 years – since the autumn of 1997 when it was forbidden. Yes, forbidden. I remember the exact moment, the room I was in, the fear I felt and the lack of options available to me – or so I thought. What a stupid woman I was to surrender my only form of release! To give in to the insecurity and weakness of another! Bah.

I haven’t cried since, but I have recognized a most welcome shift. I don’t avoid the sad programs or the commercials contrived to pull at our heart-strings. Along with the enormous changes tears are now allowed. It never even occurred to me that this was the case or that I had continued to behave in a manor that accommodated the absurd demands of another. My release has been returned. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops!

Who knew tears would be the irrefutable proof that my healing had begun?

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